Blurb

Had a great night last night, meeting up with friends.

It was 2 AM when K was walking me home, talking about absolutely anything under the sun (or moon).

At Starbucks, I saw U's sister, and she said I should eat more because I lost some weight again.

I do not believe her.

I will perpetually be the fat girl, no matter what anybody says.

----

Somtimes, I get so tired of the way people interact with me.

There's always something they're not saying.

mag-react ka naman!

Care to debate me?

Still no meteors flashing my way. Only navy blue clouds on an ebony sky. Oh well.

We had a short day at the hospital, there was a mandatory stay-at-the-library memo for all the interns. And so, we sort of had a free duty. I'm happy because we didn't work as hard today, and sad because I didn't have any patients to learn from.

And because I was tired of reading the medical stuff, I took a break and scanned the newspaper. A sociopolitical events expert, I am not. But somehow, I just want to speak out what I was thinking.

Pacquiao fever. Pacquaio in politics.
(Nah. He lost the elections last time, despite his boxing feats. We have become aware that the on-screen champions are a different story when it comes to politics.)

Pacquiao vs. Mayweather

(Lose-lose scenario for Pacquiao. If he says no, Mayweather will have bragging rights. If Pacquiao fights, he'd better win big time, or it'll be the end of his boxing glory)

Manny Villar and Loren Legarda, runningmates...
(Which just ruins their credibility. Manny using Loren's good reputation, and Loren using Manny for his well-oiled campaign machinery. Good luck to both.)

Hacienda Luisita.
(Has gone on long enough. It breaks my spirit to see the plight of the poor, the greed of the rich, and our sick legal system.)

Pacquiao and Jinky fighting due to Krista Ranillo...
(Typical. A full blown disaster.Let them fix it up, and stop the slandering. They are people after all, and no family is ever the cleaner.)

Edu Manzano, running for vice president.
(Game ka na ba? Kami, hindi.)

3 killed and 7 injured at Pasay demolition...
(Why use guns? WHY?! Of course they would protect the mosque, it is their place of worship. A little respect for their religion! There could have been a better way to do it. No wonder some Muslims would think badly about the government. Why fuel their agitation? Why? WHY?!)

New Moon, now showing.
(And dateless. moving on...)

Efren Penaflorida, the CNN hero...
(He's such an inspiration. With him and his group around, there is hope for this nation. WE CAN DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS IF WE WANTED TO. I wish that aside from voting for him, we would also be encouraged to help the less fortunate. But first of all, let's vote. He deserves to win.)

Now on to the news of my life. I'm learning that some people have interesting stories to tell about their lives. And I am amazed to find out. But amidst all the sharing, I'm still keeping much a secret, sorting is still to be done with my baggages.

2 puna na

These Darn Reflexes

After bottle after bottle of beer, we come to the same conclusion: P.

It's his face that I see flashing before my eyes.

It's his scent that lingers in the forgotten refuge of my senses.

It's his laugh that brightens up my rigid heart.

Oh, Peter, what is it with you?

Why can't I ever let you go?

I should've said what I wanted to say years ago: I love you.

Fuck these reflexes. Fuck these habits.

I hate myself for making you a reflex; for making sure that every turn of my tortuous mind means you. And only you.

3 puna na

opisina days

i miss my office desk...

table nya... ni syd.. yung kupal na office mate ko na nakwento ko dati...

table ko naman ito...

pagitan ng table namin...

dito kami nun madalas magkulitan... hay kamiss!!

mag-react ka naman!

life!

maghapon ako badtrip kahapon.. di kasi ako makapgonline... tapos basta naiinis ako sa lahat ng nasa paligid ko! naiinis ako s kanya at dun sa babae!

pilit ko siya iniiwasan pero hindi maiwasan.. ayoko silang makitang magkasama pero wala akong magawa.. gusto ko siyang itext pero para ano pa? para guluhin ang buhay nya?

haayy... hindi pa magsink in na talagang wala ng pag-asa.. na wala na siya...

kailangan tanggapin... kailangan...

mag-react ka naman!

I Will Experiment With My Fear Right Before Your Eyes

I'm afraid of giving in; afraid of being loved too much.

Why?

Cause I'm not used to undying devotion.

I'm not used to the honest look in his eyes.

I'm not used to the infinite kindness that he shows me and my family.

I'm one fucked up girl, I know, and so why is he still here?

---

I've managed to evade being psychotic since I got discharged.

Though bloody and sordid images of cutting myself still invade my mind, all I can do is decide not to do it.

They're losing their saliency, bit by bit.

I'm still on my antipsychotic, anti-parkinson's and mood stabilizer and it looks like my psychiatrist is not planning to take me off them any time soon.

I asked him why I must be on antipsychotics and he said "eh, what happens to you when you're not on them?"

Fine.

Fine.

---

I can't wait to get back to med school after my one year hiatus.

I miss my friends.

I miss studying all night for an exam.

Heck, I even miss sleeping in class.

Haha.

3 puna na

Little stars. Big stars.

I've been watching for the Leonids for four days now. Just to make a wish or two. For whatever, it's my secret. Really, I'm a little...nope, a LOT superstitious.

We watched 2012 yesterday. Coolness. Not one I'd line up to be my favorites, but it's worth seeing if you need a pick-me-up. That is, if you like getting caught between tectonic plates and raging tsunamis. The scenes are amazing. And I liked the company: Perrine and Dave.

A snippet of my day at the Surgery Emergency Room. We had an American patient who went to the beach yesterday and fried his skin under the sun. That's for not wearing sunblock. He was delineatedly red on half the exposed parts of his body, just like a shrimp when it's done.I pitied him because it was so painful, weeping and blistering all over. Including his balding forehead. You'd know what he was in for, just by the sight of him. And so, we cleaned, flammazine-d, and gauze-d him up.

Ironic that a majority of Filipinos, men or women (hands up people! including me!) would somehow be guilty of buying whitening/lightening products for the sake of vanity. When all this time, our melanin concentration, has been responsible from keeping us from suffering the same fate, under the intense Equatorial sun. How colonial. We should love our melanin, we can bask at beaches, walk along the Metro and only fear of getting even browner...just think about it. And love your chocolate-ness. Haha.

Please, let there be a falling star, so I can get my wish. And... make that meteor hit the asshole who broke my heart. Yeh! (<--in a kikomachine kind of way.)

2 puna na

you're not the green I thought you were.

Mildly colorblind in the green and yellow spectrum.

And so was the explanation of Dr. Vigo on my test results on colorblindness.

We were goofing around in the Surgery Office when Dr. Matic asked us to scoot to the Eye Center for a study being done by his wife. It was fun arranging the colors into the spectrum, but it was admittedly difficult. The pegs had a certain order of shading, and it seemed that some pegs were of the same color. The pink and violet hues were a breeze, but the yellow and green pegs were sort of hard to arrange (for me). Damn it.

Some people say that only men are affected by colorblindness. That is partly correct, for the congenital type. There is also a acquired type, which includes medication, poor diet and smoking. I guess this is where I come in. I'm just happy that I can identify green from grey, even if I'm slightly impaired in distinguishing tints (which I didn't know before). I was slightly depressed afterwards saying I was ready to devour a plate of yellow and orange vegetables to salvage my remaining photoreceptors.

I remember a good friend, she would say that a dress was wonderfully blue when it was violet. I don't know if she's just confused or can't see the color right. One of our junior interns is also suspect to the condition, since he is having difficulty in identifying hyperemia (something red and swollen) from one that is not.

Impaired. That is something that we can be, without even knowing it.

In extreme colorblindness, one can only see the blue and orange shades. No green, no red. A colorblind man can't identify a woman with lipstick. Or a ripe banana from an unripe one. It may seem funny, or ridiculous. The sad part is some find it later in life, and is unsuitable to aviation, or jobs that requires color discrimination.

But being colorblind is the least of my worries.  I was just thinking, what if some people's emotions were the same? That in the spectra of anger, love, joy and sadness, they can only feel two extremes? Able to love without anger or experience joy without love?

7 puna na