The Day Ahead

My mom is fetching me at 9 am. Then J will be at the condo na by then. I'll have lunch with J and T at around 1. Then I'll go back and fix my closet (and change) then meet S at Starbucks by 530 PM. He'll bring me back home at 8 so I can be back here by 830. Phew.

Those are just the technicalities.

How about how I'll feel after?

I don't know yet.

---

I'm searching for love in all the wrong places.

Like, for instance, in darkness.

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The Great Divide

This is how I feel and this is how I do.

I feel excited for tomorrow, because I'll get to see my friends.

But then again, I have my apprehensions because I'll have to juggle J and S.

I always have this problem: my mind battles with my heart.

---

The attendant here is asking for my help.

I'm getting her husband a job in my brother's company. Plus, we're donating 8,000 for her son.

Her son has pneumonia and cryptorchidism (undescended testis). He has to get an operation ASAP or else he'll become sterile for life. They barely survive. They didn't have dinner last night.

If anybody wants to help, message me.

---

My friend forwarded to me her Goodbye Letter to her ex.

I wish I had the guts. I wish I'm not such a coward.

I'd like to tell my exes 3 things:

1) I loved you to the ends of the Earth.

2) I'm sorry for not fixing up myself sooner, when you made me want to be a better person.

3) I wish you'd still be part of my life, somehow, however far or distant, as friends.

Phew. The three hardest lines to say. The three things that I want them all to know.

(Except, well, Dr. J- I didn't love him, I was just infatuated.)

---

I made S a birthday card from poster paint, chip board, felt and construction paper. It's very simple yet elegant and very cute, they said.

There is a pot of plant on the cover- the leaves I made with felt, and decorated with yellow glitter glue. It's because he is currently obsessed with hydrophonic plants. Haha.

I hope he likes it.

He want to have dinner at Heat tomorrow. I hope the food there is great as I've never eaten there before. But he'll have a hard time eating: he is strictly vegetarian. Haha.

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george...

when i first see him i didnt pay much attention to him... i felt him staring at me! i looked at him and i realized that it was just my imagination. it was me who's always looking at him! i think he never at least feel my presence around! it hurts but that's the way it used to be!

the next time i saw him at my sister's car sitting right beside my niece.. i said hi but he ignored me... my niece tugged me to sit beside her! as i sit between him & my niece.. i asked my niece what's the name of this lass! she said it ws george.. i looked at him and he smiled at me... so i smiled back! i guess we're already friends!

the car starts to go on our way to the theme park.. i felt his hand touching my right hand.. or it is my hand touching his... whatever but it feels alright so i grab & hold it tight...

we are all smiles along the way to the park! i felt the cold wicd of the aircondition of the car.. when i looked at him i saw in his eyes that he is also cold so i try to hug him.. he didnt resist so i hugged him tight... my neice ask me if i really like george, i said of course.. he's so sweet, cuddling & loving... he's also warm especially! i feel so comfortable in his arms.. i even brushed my lips to his cheeks... i felt that he liked it that much...

i tried to talk to him but he didnt response or even say a word..  he was just looking at me!!! all my life i feel so good & light being with him.. i wish he could talk.. he just smile and smile.. he didnt have any crumpled face... i like him for that! i think deeply on how to express my likeness to him... as i think hard i didnt know i fell asleep in his lap! i heard my niece shouting so loud that it almost banged my ear drum!!!!

 "tita!!! tita!! wake up!!! we just arrived here at teh theme park.. c'mon, let's leave george alone and let's ride the carousel!!!"

huh?? george?! is it a dream?? who's george i asked! tita George the one you're hugging all along from home until we get here.. you even slept at his lap!!!

"is this george??" i asked.. "of course! who else??? tita!? do you expect someone else?? matbe you were dreaming! hahaha"

yah i was dreaming.. who would have that the handsome & georgous george will turned into a lifesize stuff big eyed dark hairy brown monkey!!!

we all laugh out loud!!! 

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Hmmmm Part 2

The feelings surrounding J have subsided. I'm more level-headed now: I like J, but I'm just not attracted to him sexually.

And that is a very important kind of attraction to have, in my opinion.

And I can't imagine myself having sex with him at all.

Kissing, yeah, been there, done that. But it stops there.

IDK.

I'm holding out for someone else.

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Hmmmm

I am craving beer right now, thanks to somebody out there. Hahaha

---

My mom is visiting me, with a surprise guest.

My bet is that it's J. He did tell me he was planning to visit my mom today.

I'll update later.

--

He did visit...

And he's helping us move on Saturday.

What more can I say?

(I don't want to preempt anything yet.)

That means, I'm having lunch with him and my frient, T, on Saturday. Then I'm having dinner with S.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do.

And what is that? I don't exactly know how I feel... yet.

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Twisted

I overheard this conversation between Eladio and Anthony yesterday. Considering that Anthony is an apathetic schizophrenic, I found it funny.

Eladio: Anthony, mahal mo ba ako?

Anthony: Hindi.

Eladio: Bakit hindi?!

Anthony: Eh kaibigan lang naman kita eh, ba't kita mamahalin?

---

I'm having dinner with S on Saturday. It should be fun, I haven't seen him in like 8 months. It's not a romantic thing, however, we really just are friends.

(Except for the fact that he told me that "when you left, everything in my life went strange. Even my dreams changed. I think we have a special connection somehow.")

Is that a move? I don't know. More accurately, I don't want to believe it is. He understands me terribly well, and I would like him to be one of my best friends. Romantic love will ruin it and besides, he cuts too...

He just got back from his homeland, UK, yesterday.

---

Can't wait to move.

But I dread going to the reunion.

My brother doesn't want to go, because we won't understand our other relatives anyway (they all speak Spanish).

Oh well.

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Love and Un-love

RAVE.
The film (500) days of Summer rocks. It's so bittersweet and more real about love than all of those romantic movies.

SPOILER.
If you've been with someone you don't really love, or have been with someone who doesn't love you that much, you'll relate to the attitude Summer has. Like: "I'm not really looking for something serious", "I like you", "You're still my best friend." She tells us to read between the lines, which we don't usually do when our head is stuck in the clouds.  On the other side, you'd giggle at how madly lovesick Tom was, and though I didn't cry, my chest hurt a lot during the scenes when she was breaking his heart continuously. There was a lot of sweet scenes, and the film made you feel like you were going through the same elating then depressing cycle..

It's love and un-love together. And I think it's like where I'm in right now. Should I let him watch it, and make him realize what I really mean by "friends..?"

3 puna na

Jinx

I have this certain quirk: if I believe or think about something so much, it never does happen. And when I think about it AND THEN forget about it, it surely comes.

Consequently, you will never arrive.

[Again, I'm being a hopeless romantic and all that corny stuff. I'm writing to nobody in particular. Haha]

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