A Thousand Lost Forevers

I remember why I left J: he's too weak for me.

I mean, I don't want anybody to treat me as if I were a God that they can't get their hands on.

He's empirically weak for me alone.

And that suffocated/s me.

What to do what to do what to do?

---

Sex=lust.

It won't be like it was with O. I don't want to consider myself a pseudo-whore anymore.

This is a chant.

 "You're a veteran," my sister said.

I don't want to think of myself that way.

I want to think of myself as war-beaten, tired and undeserving.

Weird?

Anyhow, I'm glad I took the chance.

We regret more in this life the things we didn't do than the things we did.

---

Some time ago, Peter texted and said that he had met a guy I used to date, R.

Fucking small world. Really fucking small world.

He didn't approve of R for me, because R daw was making manyak his friend in front of him.

So I digressed from R.

I digressed from his friends that keep hounding me to have a "reunion."

---

Gone are the days when I used to write long, winding entries on my blood-filled dreams.

Now, the world is sublime and a pretty friendly place.

Mushy?

2 puna na

Psyche

I had a long night yesterday, and a long day today.

I am simply tired, but energized.

---

The WiFi here at home is not working! I wonder why?

I'm using the internet through the globe broadband prepaid kit I have.

---

I was at Figaro at Medical City kanina, with nothing to do.

Then J went there, just when I left.

It was a surprise daw.

Kasi I asked him if he was coming and he didn't mention anything.

Boring noh?

---

Discovered a new drinking place in Ortigas: The Reserve: Liquor Lounge

Very pristine place, with a whole lot of alcohol.

In fact, I can't think of anything they DON'T have.

That and the wonderful time I had.

I revealed my 'thank you' lines and was subjected to ultra-mushy questions.

But it's fine, it's all good.

mag-react ka naman!

I Need To Know If You Were Real

There is an ethereal awakening happening to me.

I am enveloped again in wariness.

I cannot comprehend certain things.

It's fine, I'm used to it.

It's way of life- living in confusion and fear.

I will break free of this, one way or another.

---

I realized that I am prone to sliding into depression lately.

Maybe all the jazz of rehab is gone.

Turns out I may be back to my old self.

I guess the difference now is, I am fighting the urge to hurt myself.

I am fighting for myself.

Bacause I promised that I will never throw myself away again...

Not anymore.

---

Jogged again and did Tae Bo...

I'm beginning to love that workout. Makes me sweat a lot, and gives me self-confidence.

I guess exercise IS good for you.

(How funny that every goddamn thing in the world screams for us all to exercise, but I only internalized it now.)

I'm looking for an advanced type of Tae Bo. I suspect I will get bored with the Tae Bo we have now because it's so basic.

2 puna na

Nye

My friend texted and said I look like Katherine Heigl.

Hello?!

I'm not even the dirt underneath her fingernails. Haha.

mag-react ka naman!

bunso koh!!!

tinext nya ako kahapon ng hapon sabi dadaan daw siya dito pauwi galing work.

6pm sya nag-out.. around 6:30 when he came.

magkatabi kaming naupo sa tambayan gaya ng dati. malamig ang gabi pero bakit ako pinagpapawisan.

hmmm.. lakas pa rin ng dating sa akin ng batang yun.!

si bunso ko. ang mahal kong si bunso. madami siya nakwento.

tinanong ko siya kung ano sabi ng tita niya sa nangyari. sabi ba naman bakit ko raw pinabayaan!?! huh? pinabayaan ko ba talaga siya?

in a way siguro. pero di ko naman talaga siya pinabayaan ah! lets just say i just gave him space to enjoy his life w/o any commitment from me. sino ba naman ang magaakalang makakahanap siya ng iba  in a short period of time!

kinulit ko siya if his tita really did say that... oo daw. natahimik ako dahil my tears wanna fall down! kapag nagsalita pa ako maiiyak na ako.

hinawakan niya ako sa pisngi sabi joke lang sabay tawa! nakakainis.. naguguilty na nga ako sa mga knkwento niya tapos dadagdagan pa niya ng ganun! argh!

according to him, hindi naman daw talaga niya balak ligawan yun kasi daw hindi talo, cousin daw kasi yun ng barkada niya.

pero after na makitext yung barkada niya na cuz nung girl nakuha na nung girl yung no. niya. nagkatext na sila.

binola bola daw niya kumagat naman daw.

ayun naging sila.

lagi daw siya napapainom sa bahay nung girl tapos kapag nalasing ayun dun na raw siya pinapatulog ng parents nung girl!

tama ba naman yun? kunsintidor tlaga!

eto pa, pinapaamin ko siya kung buntis yung girl.. hindi naman pala buntis yung girl.

hindi ko rin mapaamin na may nangyari sa kanila. ewan ko kung nahihiya lang yun o nagsasabi lang siya ng totoo!

whatever it is, i know na impossible na wala pang nangyayari sa kanila. lagi silang magkama sa bahay even i found out that they dont "really" stay together as usual couples do. mga sleepovers lang daw kapag minsan.

pero sabi niya hindi naman daw sila lang sa bed. kasiping din daw nila yung utol niyang bunso.. hmm.. really?!

SABI KO KELAN nila plan magpakasal.. hindi naman daw sila magpapakasal! sira talaga yun! sabi ko ano na lang plano niya sa kanila! kasi daw mag-aaral pa siya.

mabuti naman pero dapat niya panindigan yung girl di ba? sabi ko kng mahal ba niya yung grl? ewan ang sagot niya! ay naku nabatukan ko tuloy! i asked him kung he's happy.

sagot niya ok lang naman daw. sbi ko anong ok positive o negative. bah ay both daw!

hindi naman daw niya maiwan yung girl kasi naaawa siya, mabait naman daw kasi pati ung parents niya. hindi naman daw siya pinakikitaan ng pangit, pinakikisamahan naman daw siya ng maayos. baka raw magpakamatay pati yung girl!

know what hindi ko alam kung maawa ako sa kanya dahil parang napasubo siya sa isang bagay na hindi naman siya sigurado o magagalit ako dahil may plano pa kami na magaaral siya pero ano ginawa niya nakahanap siya ng iba!

hay di ko siya masisisi pinakawalan ko siya eh, kaya nakuha ng iba!

matagal pa kami nagkwentuhan at nagkulitan!

god, now i know how much i miss him.. binugbog ko nga ng kurot eh.. ka-cute kasi! hay bunso ko talaga... naunahan pa akong mag-asawa.. kahit pinagpipilitan niyang hindi nya asawa yun. ok fine, "magiging asawa"!

nami-miss ko yung mga lambingan at kulitan namin dating ginagawa! yung mga tawanan, kwentuhan, lutu-lutuan, lahat-lahat ng oras na magkasama kami namiss ko bigla!

mga bagay na hindi na ulit at malabo na ulit maulit! mga bagay na mananatili na lamang alaala...

sinasama nga niya ko sa kanila, sa kanila na raw ako magdinner pero ayoko ano na lang sasabihin ng mga makakakita sa amin na mgkasama.. ayoko nga matsismis dito noh! tsaka nahihiya talaga ako. maya niyan bigla dumating asawa niya este gf niya eh di ang cheap ko naman!kaya hindi talaga niya ako napilit!

tinext ko ung tita niya.. di pa naman pala niya ako nakakalimutan.. someday daw pag nagpunta ulit sila dito she will meet me to get to know me.. ay kahiya yata!

umuwi siya ng around 7:30.. saglit na oras lang pero ang laki ng nagawa sa akin...

ewan ko ba bakit bigla yata ako sumigla. ayokong umasa ako dahil narinig ko yung mga kwento niya pero parang ganun na nga ang napi-feel ko.. umaasa???

tama pa bang umasa? parang hindi na.. sa nangyari at sa sitwasyon ngayon... malabo!

hay bunso.. hope 2 c u later again! i miss you so much!

mag-react ka naman!

The Luckiest

I now consider myself lucky for having J in my life.

He's really the most caring and loving human being I have ever met, seriously.

But I just can't love him because I don't want to hurt such a kind heart.

I remember when we had a retreat at Tagaytay and of course me and my friend smuggled alocohol and pursued a drinking session in which I got horridly drunk.

In short, J cleaned up my puke, cleaned me up and I slept in his room.

The next morning, I was a spectacle to all the other guys in my class because I was sleeping in his room. But, because he IS J, they didn't suspect that we slept together. Apparently, they all stared at me from the door in the room.

He is like that- nice to have around, but I can't imagine sleeping with him.

For God's sake, he's a virgin and I don't want to have to teach him.

----

Last night, me and my sister walked around the block ten times, talking about everything and nothing at all. It was refreshing. I could tell her anything and it would all be fine. Just fine.

I am lucky to have such an understanding little sister (or little brother, actually).

---

I am lucky to have one of the greatest doctors I know- my psychiatrist, Dr. LB.

He really made me better, by some mysterious, unknown way.

I am now stable on 10mg Abilify, 2mg Akineton, 150mg Lamictal and 100mg Seroquel (prn).

---

And here's a secret: I do fall haphazardly towards an unnameable center to which I cling.

I am stupid like that.

For a long time, their typical description of me was "cold, detached and pretty."

Now, I'm a conversationalist with a zest for life.

How lucky I am to have changed so much.

12 puna na

Anesthesize

Dr. Ortill

Ganyan talaga kapag naka-anesthesia, nakakaramdam pero, hindi masakit.

And I was there, assisting in her lumpectomy, looking at bloody flesh, and inhaling the smoke from her cautery while my elbows were complaining from retracting, wishing that someone could inject me with just a vial of Lidocaine. Not from the physical pain but from the pointy feeling inside.

How avoidant.
----

It's been 23 days in my rotation, and FINALLY I had been able to assist at a major o.r....an Appendectomy. I can still remember how it is done. I insisted on scrubbing in on this one, just to see their technique. Pretty cool. I wish I could do one.

---
Can this be?




Our radiologists can't explain it. And my groupmate says, the child was not held by anyone while the x-ray was taken. Even so, it would not form a hand.. but will show the bones. (scary music here.)

8 puna na

ayaw at gusto.

nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagsusulat ng ang letseng daliri ito kung ano ang napindot at nawala lahat nang naisulat ko na.

balik blogging ako.

marami akong gustong isulat pero wala akong maisip na tamang salita na maisasalarawan lahat ng aking nararamdaman!

madami akong gusto gawin pero hindi magawa.

may mga bagay akong nasimulan pero hindi ko magawang tapusin.

gusto kong tumawa pero wala namang nakakatawa.

gusto ko ring umiyak pero tama bang umiyak?

gusto kong sumaya pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang makakapagpasaya sa akin.

gusto ko maging manunulat pero wala akong maisulat.

gusto ko nang ma-inlove ulit pero kanino naman?

gusto ko ng magmahal pero kanino?

gusto kong mahalin ako pero bakit, mahirap ba akong mahalin?

madami rin akong ayaw pero kailangan kong tanggapin.

ayaoko sa mg nararamdaman ko pero parte na ito ng buhay ko!

ayoko umiyak pero para ano pa at nagkaron ako ng luha kung hindi ko gagamitin? <nye hehe!>

ayoko nang umasa pero kada paggising ko sa umaga nangangarap ako sa isang happy ending.

ayoko ng maging malungkot pero hindi naman talaga ako masaya!

ayoko nang masaktan pero iyon ang aking nararamdaman.

ayoko at gusto...

ano ba talagang gagawin ko sa buhay ko..

sa araw-araw na paggising ko ay napa-frustrate ako.

i am 26, i think like 16 and my parents treat me like 12.

napakarami kong mga tanong na hanggang ngayon matanda na ako ay wala pa rin kasagutan!

bakit at bakit hindi?!

ano ba talaga ang dapat at hindi dapat?

hay isa na naman sa mga page-emote ng buhay ko...

wala lang magawa!

mag-react ka naman!